Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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