Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
