Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
