this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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