I smell stomach acid.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
