god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hate all girls vehemently.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
