Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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