Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
