I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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