My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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