Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
