Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am available for nakedness
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
