wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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