why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
