You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
