omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
handjob tips. give me some.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
