So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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