They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
