Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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