she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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