I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
