Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
