So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
3 2 1 whiskey
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
