After last night, I could never be a politician.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
