I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
