apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
