Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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