I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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