what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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