I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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