in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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