When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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