I am puke
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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