Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
