I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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