You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize