saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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