Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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