there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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