Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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