I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
