thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
