people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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