your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
