I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
