i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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