I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
