my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
