my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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