literally had 100 drinks last night.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
