worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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