i think my tv is drunk
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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