the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
