U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
did i walk over a car last night?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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