while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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