just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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