I want to have your abortion
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
