Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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