Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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