He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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