Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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