Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
