Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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