I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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